First, the weather. Today’s forecast calls for a 55% chance of crying if we lose, and a hundred percent chance of screaming if a foul ball hits your beer. But seriously, the real weather is 72°F and clear, which is basically biblical paradise for Minnesota in August. Wear shorts. Bring a jacket. Bring a third item because you’ll forget what season it is.
The pitching matchup? It’s our guy Joe Ryan against their guy Shane Bieber. That’s like pitting a frisky golden retriever against a cyborg with a curveball. Ryan throws fastballs that whistle when they go by—I’ve heard them from the cheap seats. Bieber, meanwhile, has a beard that contains the souls of 47 hitters.
Here’s a surprising fact to impress your friends: Today is the 12th anniversary of the time Byron Buxton stole home base while simultaneously tripping over a sprinkler. Okay, that’s also made up, but something magical always happens during a 7:10 PM game. I’m betting on a triple play, a balk called on the catcher, and a hot dog vendor doing a backflip.
How to survive the game without losing your mind
Step one: Grab a friend who knows nothing about baseball. Explain that “sacrifice fly” means someone ate a bug. Step two: Bet them $5 that the Twins will hit a homer. You’ll either win cash or have a funny story about crying together. Step three: Order food that takes exactly 30 minutes to arrive—timed perfectly for the 5th inning slump.
How To Watch The Twins Game Today | CitizenSide
The most important rule? Do not check your phone during the 7th inning stretch. You’ll miss the moment a pigeon lands on the mound and the umpire tries to shoo it with his hat. That happened last year. I swear I’m not making that up. The pigeon got a standing ovation and a “M-V-P!” chant.
